A Song of Tears and Wine
by ImaginaryLondoner
Summary: Ned reflects on his hidden feelings for Robert and the secret of Jon Snow's parentage.


**A Song of Tears and Wine**

Eddard Stark was a man of honor. He was Lord of Winterfell, and a married man. He thought it would take more than a flagon of wine for him to forget that, but he was wrong. Now he was on his way home, and he would have to face the consequences of his mistakes.

He rode towards his castle, cradling his bastard son in his arms. He could never tell anyone who the child's mother was. No one would believe him if he did. This boy's very existence challenged everything that Ned thought he knew, about the world and about himself. As the cold wind blew through his hair, he recalled how he found himself in this strange predicament.

He and his best friend Robert Baratheon had been at war. Future generations would know this war as Robert's Rebellion, but the men fighting it did not know if they would win, or even survive. Fear of death increased lust for life, even in the most cautious of men. Ned had been a somber and dutiful boy, and war had truly made a man out of him. Through their struggles, he had grown closer to Robert. He learned that courage was not defined by absence of fear, but by action in spite of it. He promised himself he would be brave for Robert. He loved honor, but he loved his best friend even more. Sadly, Robert cared more for women and wine than he did for his dear friend.

Robert had gone to war against King Aerys after Prince Rhaegar had kidnapped his betrothed. Lyanna Stark had been Robert's fiancé and Ned's little sister. Robert had won his war and taken the throne, but Lyanna was dead. Ned was the last to see the young woman, he had found her dying in a bed of blood. Her dying words were "promise me, Ned," but Ned didn't know what she was referring to. She had been taken by a fever, her words made no sense. There was so much he wanted to confess to her, but he knew she would not understand. Instead he remained silent, holding her as the life left her body.

Had Lyanna lived, Robert would have married her and become Ned's brother. But Ned did not want to be Robert's brother, he wanted to be Robert's wife.

Everyone thought that Ned was jealous of his handsome older brother, but that was not the case. Ned did not want to be a strong warrior, he wanted to be Lyanna. She was beautiful and wild in a way that Ned could never be. He had grown his hair out and brushed it daily, but it could never be as pretty as her dark brown locks. When her engagement to Robert Baratheon was announced, Ned spent hours crying into his pillow. His young heart was broken by the knowledge that he could only be the best man at Robert's wedding, never the bride.

Still, Ned would do what he could for his best friend. When Robert decided to go to war to win his woman and his crown, Ned followed him without hesitation. Night after night, he would watch Robert get drunk and fornicate with whores. It hurt him to see his beloved go off with these women while he spent his nights alone, but there was nothing he could do. He had married a girl from Riverrun, who had been meant for his deceased older brother. Even if he could be with the man he desired, he did not want to damage the honor of his house.

But something had happened that made him forget his honor, and it had resulted in this boy he carried in his arms. He named the child Jon, which he mistakenly believed was the Braavosi word for "miracle." Jon Snow was indeed a miracle. The circumstances of his birth were more mysterious that Lyanna's death, though the two things were not in any way related.

Ned would take the secret of the boy's parentage to his grave. He knew his wife Catelyn would be terribly upset to see this bastard child. She would see the innocent boy as a living reminder of his betrayal. She could never know the truth of his birth, she would never be able to understand...

When Ned heard Cat talk of her childhood friend Petyr, he felt envious of the small man known as Littlefinger. Cat told Petyr all her secrets, she played dress up with him and whispered the names of the men she wanted to marry. He was her gay BFF. Sadly, Cat's gaydar was way off, and she had chosen the wrong man. Petyr was the one who loved her, who pretended to be interested in her girlish daydreams so he might get the chance to sleep with her.

Ned could not have cared less about his wife's womanly body, which was apparently very attractive. He would have been content to share gossip with his wife rather than share a bed, to stay up late talking about boys and painting their toenails instead of spending their nights having sexual intercourse. He would have gladly switched places with Littlefinger, to fill the role of Cat's gay BFF. He fulfilled his duty as her husband when it was required of him, but he always thought of Robert.

Cat may have taken Ned's virginity, but Robert had stolen his heart, just as Rhaegar had stolen Lyanna from the both of them. But no one would take Ned's son from him. It did not matter how many children his wife would bear for him in the future, none of them would be like Jon.

The boy was conceived the night after a battle. Everyone had been drinking at an inn, even Ned. In fact, Ned had a little too much to drink. He recalled talking to a milkmaid with huge tits and red hair. She invited him to meet her in private, so he took her into his room, not understanding that she wanted to have sex with him. When they entered, he found Robert copulating with a whore on his bed. Ned blushed, believing that he had accidentally opened the door to his friend's room, but it was no mistake. Robert had intentionally gone into Ned's room, hoping his friend would catch him in the act of lovemaking. Robert invited Ned to join him. Drunk and in love, Ned happily agreed.

Jon was special because Ned Stark was not his father...Ned was his mother.

In the morning, Robert did not remember what had happened, but Ned would never forget it. Robert had told him that he loved him, that he was more beautiful than Lyanna or any girl in the Seven Kingdoms. He promised that when the war was over he would make Ned his queen. Their lovemaking had lasted until Robert passed out from the wine, and Ned fell asleep with his arms around his king. He had found a friend, a brother, and a lover all in one man.

Little did Ned know, the milkmaid was a religious fanatic who worshipped R'hllor. He had offended this woman by choosing to go with Robert instead of her, so she put a curse on him. He would pay for his night of pleasure with a lifetime of shame, just as any woman would. Robert's seed quickened in Ned's fancy new womb.

However, Ned would not consider this a curse, but a blessing. This was what he always wanted, to feel like a woman and mother a child. He did not understand how it happened, but he was overjoyed to be a mommy. He kept his magical pregnancy a secret from everyone, including Robert. He was still a soldier, willing to fight and die for his king, but he was even more careful than he was before.

After the war and the death of his sister, his time finally came. He disappeared into the woods to give birth. Wolves appeared and ate his placenta, but did not hurt him or the newborn. When he returned to his party, he offered no explanation for the child's existence. Most just assumed that the baby was a Dornish woman's bastard. Ned came very close to confessing the truth to Robert, to offer him consolation after Lyanna's death, but he kept silent. His friend had forgotten the drunken promise he made to him, instead agreeing to marry some blonde bitch. Ned assumed that he would have many true-born children with her. Their lovechild would mean nothing to him.

So Eddard Stark returned to Winterfell. He did not know when he would see his beloved Robert again, but he was content knowing he would be able to raise his son. Jon had black hair, like his father. He loved his hair and would cry whenever he got a haircut, just as Ned had before he grew his hair out. Jon wanted to have pretty hair just like his mommy.

As expected, Catelyn hated Jon. She wrote letters to Petyr complaining about how annoying the bastard was. Yet she had come to love her husband in a way that he could never love her. He could not allow her to be part of that part of his life that belonged to Robert and Jon, but he did come to see her as a devoted friend. Their true-born son Robb became very close to Jon, balancing out Cat's disdain for him. All in all, he had a pretty happy childhood, considering what a crappy world he lived in.

When Jon was old enough to ask about his mother, Ned was not sure what to say. He did not want to lie to the boy, but he did not know how to describe the extraordinary circumstances of his birth. Ned himself did not know how it had happened, but he was so happy that it did. He concluded that he would not reveal the truth of Jon's parentage, but he would assure his son that his mother loved him very much. That was the only truth that really mattered.


End file.
